Numbness is a weird feeling. My experience enabled me to comprehend a person’s ability to suspend every moral standard he/she has ever had in one sweeping motion. What was a no-no is suddenly something that might restore some extent of ‘normalcy’—even if the normal in this case is the pleasure an immoral person would never question.
The simple objective in my moral standard has always been to love and show reverence to whom honor and glory is due—namely my Lord and my neighbor. The moral standard is routinely made complex, however, by confusing humility with control.
I constantly found myself in debate about issues; though very rarely with other people to their face, even more often simply in mind. I wanted to be in control of my thoughts. I wanted to be in control of my actions. I got frustrated when the perils of temptation knocked me off my path because that meant I wasn’t able to stand on my own two feet under my own strength. Any inkling of humility that entered into mind/life/heart was only in reaction to straying from the narrow path. Because I have learned from childhood to ‘always use the buddy system’ to avoid trouble and/or get back on track, I would summon out of habit—to be in control again. Until I fell again. The humility was not genuine. It was replaced by the wrong sense of ‘self’-‘control.’
I was stuck in a cycle. I got sucked into living a life of reaction. Mess up, get up, repeat. My buddy and I travelled down the path, but only communicated to one another when I stumbled and needed first aid. I knew traveling with a buddy is better than traveling alone, but I had no relationship with my buddy. No conversations. No breath. Loneliness. Loneliness in a crowd of two.
I began to feel that I was not worthy of help. I kept making the same mistakes to the none whatsoever of my buddy. I thought I might as well just go off gallivanting through the jungle just so that I would no longer hold him back. I did not feel worthy of his perfection. I did not feel worthy of his consistent benevolence.
But I was afraid. I have, in addition, been taught from childhood that the jungle is a very dangerous place—bringing much harsher pain than merely staggering on and off-kilter. This was the numbness.
True humility is letting God. Or, to be more simple—letting Go.
Life is not worth living in cyclical reaction. Life is worth living in response to ‘backwards’ logic. Such ‘uncommon’ sense is not supposed to make sense—but it does. Follow a homeless guy who promises timeless shelter. Love—your enemies. Hate—your family. Be born—again. Be perfect. This seems impossible, but it is not.
Follow implies a leader. Letting go means listening to someone else—more than a buddy. Letting go means doing what someone else says to do—more than a leader. What your Father has said to do. Even if the finite mind cannot fully comprehend or trust the process, perfection is only possible through joint effort. The journey is not about avoiding the jungle, but about embracing guidance to the mountaintop. The jungle is not appealing along the path of patience.
Let us let go. Let us follow. Let God.